An Online Therapeutic Movement

Us

What about dimples and freckles and beauty marks in places only you and he knows? What about banter and idiosyncrasies that make this dynamic dynamic? What about the power of the collision of your stories and the change produced because of it?  What about her ability to make you feel supported, heard, and invincible and his way of making you feel safe without fists and a puffed out chest but with awareness and responsibility?  What about building something together that doesn’t fit in a box but sits on a table as a centerpiece?  What if you redefined beauty as how someone makes you feel over how they looked.  And what if you embraced instead of controlled?  What if you took all your ideas about types, attraction, a “good” relationship, and every judgement you have because of your past relationships, and started with just one thing,

curiosity.     

- Angry

"Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made."
Tyler Kent White

Sonder

According to the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows the word sonder is:

"n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”

It is a made-up word, made-up by the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, and now also listed on Urban Dictionary.  Since it hit the inter-tubes there has been a spike in Google searches for the term. This word, this made-up word, is now a real word and will become more real as people use it and engage in the concept.  If people keep talking about sonder it will one day be listed in  book-bound dictionaries and I will be able to use it in my papers.

I think we should keep it going.  It is a beautiful concept.  How often to we pass by our fellow humans without stopping to consider their infinite depth?  How selfish that we suppose our own depth to be greater.  How callous that we label, disregard and ignore. 

I wonder what would happen if we all held the door for a stranger, wished them a good day, meant it, and also wished that the inevitable capacity for fear and anxiety that we all share were, if only  for a moment, soothed.

Take a look around with your heart wide open.  Do you see differently?

— Catalyst Noelle

www.theangrytherapist.com

Mindset

Research is finding that both physical and psychological reactions in certain situations can be improved with visualization. Such repeated imagery can build both experience and confidence in an athlete’s ability to perform certain skills under pressure, or in a variety of possible situations. The most effective visualization techniques result in a very vivid sport experience in which the athlete has complete control over a successful performance and a belief in this new ‘self.’

My Mindset workshop for Crossfitters will be all about this new self. If you’re not stretching awareness, challenging your thinking, and rewiring your brain, you are not getting the most out of Crossfit.

Guided imagery, visualization, mental rehearsal or other such techniques can maximize the efficiency and effectiveness of your training. In a world where sports performance and success is measured in seconds, most athletes will use every possible training technique at hand. Visualization might be one way to gain that very slim margin.

I’m bringing on a visualization / meditation / hypno coach.

Reserve your seat at www.theangrytherapist.com

"People don’t realize that now is all there ever is; there is no past or future except as memory or anticipation in your mind."
Eckhart tolle

Dissolving Fear

The following is from my transcripts from my Catalyst Life Coaching Course. 

I believe everything can be traced back to fear.  Two types – external or surface fear – if a bear is in front of you, that’s a surface fear. This is a good fear and it’s there to protect you.  Getting burned from a hot stove and being afraid that it’s going to burn you again even though it’s off.  Afraid of dogs because you were bitten by one when you were younger.   I have a fear of rats. 

One of my first memories is going to the bathroom in the middle of the night when I was about three.  This was in Korean and the bathroom was outside of the house like an outhouse.  I opened the door to a gang of rats.   Today I can’t even touch a mouse.  There are techniques like desensitization that can help one overcome external fears as this.  But as a life coach most clients won’t be seeing you to resolve surface fears, unless it’s something you specialize in.  The dialogue you’ll be having will have to do internal fears.

Internal fears – Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of abandonment, fear of losing, winning, being alone, etc.  These fears stem from false beliefs and our story.  They are ingrained in our thinking.   We pull from these fears which keep up trapped.  They prevent us from being in relationships we deserve, pursing our passions, and so on and so on.  Internal fears will always keep our potential low.  This entrapment then hinders our happiness.  It’s impossible to be happy when we limit ourselves.   

So how do you help clients dissolve their internal fears?  First, I don’t know if they can be dissolved a hundred percent.  If anyone says they can make your internal fears completely go away, I’d be very skeptical.   But I do believe they can be minimized to the point where they no longer have control over you or prevent you from accomplishing your goals.

I think we can create a greater distance between imprint and memory.  And by doing so, our fears will have less power over us.

Step one.  You must help your client become aware of their internal fears and how it plays out in their life.  Many are not.  Many will come see you because they’re focused on an undesired behavior but unaware that that behavior stems from a fear.  So awareness is the first piece, as it usually is with everything.

Step two.  Once the client is aware of how these fears play out in their life, relationships, work, etc., then it’s time to explore where these fears came from.  If you explore with your client, you’ll see that they came from somewhere.  We are not born with internal fears.  They develop from our story as we experience adversity and attach meaning to events and ourselves.  For example, you’re not born a perfectionist - fear of not being perfect.  Perfectionism has to do with control which has stemmed from some part of your story, maybe a loss of control or witnessing loss of control in your family perhaps, and you attaching meaning to your worth in some way because of it.  All this may be happening underneath, meaning it’s not obvious to you until you process it with someone else.   

Step three.  Untangle.  Once the client is aware of her fears and how they play out in her life, and have explored where they come from, then it’s time to untangle.  There are two pieces to this process.  One is to redefine and detach meanings.   We are afraid because of our definitions and meanings we have placed.  We usually tie things to our worth, which is why we become afraid.  There’s a lot as stake.  So help the client detach objects from their worth.  For example, if the client has a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships, she may believe that she is defective.  Now she is afraid to get into a relationship because if it doesn’t go well, it only proves that she is “broken”.  This fear keeps her from getting into a healthy relationship which she really wants.  So she goes through life alone and isolating.  Help the client see that her worth is separate and independent of the relationship, that no matter how “perfect” she was, she was always only fifty percent of that coin. 

The second piece is to help the client start to execute by leaning into her fears.   Fears are broken down the fastest when we have new experiences that overlap old ones.  The client can have revelations all day but until she actually experiences a healthy relationship, she will still be afraid.   When we experience something new, we become believers.  That’s when change, even if it’s small or just shift, becomes irreversible. 

My next Catalyst Life Coaching Course starts in a couple weeks.  A few seats left.  Go to http://thecatalystlife.com/ for details.

- Angry

“I DON’T DO LUKEWARM”

Don’t waste your time on things that don’t make you feel something.  If people, relationships, objects, art, don’t move you, don’t move toward it.  If you do, you will eventually be lukewarm. 

Interesting dialogue about porn, communication, and relationships in the EVERYTHING SEX group in the forums. Join the dialogue at

www.theangrytherapist.com

"I believe experience is the most powerful way into change. Many can see the logic in growth and they may have buy in. But actually tasting an experience is when they’re sold. Experiences convince us. They can tell us what we want, don’t want. But more importantly they can prove us wrong. New experiences can crush our false beliefs, our greatest potential blocker."
Angry

How to Bounce - 6 steps to get the most out of your break up.

A break up can send you spiraling downward head first into the basement where you collect old thought patterns and negative beliefs about yourself in dusty mason jars.  OR it can be the greatest soil for growth.   It all depends on how you decide to see your break up and the approach you take.  Here are 7 ways to keep you out of the basement so you can turn your break up into a break through.

1.  Reframe.

The first step is the simplest but can be the most difficult.  The reframe. 

Like milk, your relationship has expired.  It had an expiration date.  It was not meant to end one day sooner or one day later.   

Write this on your bathroom mirror. 

You may not believe it now.  But you will one day when you look back.  I understand it may be difficult to swallow.  But there’s absolutely no other way to look at it.  If you do, you’ll open up a giant can of what ifs, I should have, could have, if I only, if he only, and that’s when you start playing the highlight reel.  Read this daily out loud until you believe it and you’ll start playing the documentary.

2.  Cut the cord.

No emails.  No texts.  No check ins.   Defriend him.  Unfollow him.  The worse thing you can do is follow his life on social media.  I don’t care how strong you think you are.  Photos, updates, his carefully projected filtered life will trigger your emotional elephant.

it’s either over or it’s not.  If it’s not, you should be working on the relationship.  If it’s over, you should be working on you.

3.  Build yourself a structure.

I tell my clients, out of your house and out of your head.   Remember that.  That’s how you’re going to get through this and structure is how you’re going to execute that. 

Let’s start with a self care plan, because from here on out, you HAVE to make it about you.  It may feel weird at first because you’re not used to it.  But that’s the growth piece.  Get used to it.  Because when you find someone who really deserves you, you can’t lose your stance - yourself.  That’s what happened in this last relationship.  Somewhere down the line, you started to lose yourself.  You started to compromise.  You started to put their needs before yours. 

Six basic human needs.

Emotional need.

How do you fulfill your emotional needs?  Friends?  Family?  Therapist?  If you don’t have anyone, how do you plan on fulfilling your emotional needs?  By _________ (date), you will commit one step toward fulfilling that need, knowing that it may take many but what’s important is that you’re being proactive about giving yourself this need. 

Work / Passion / Purpose need.

How are you fulfilling your need to be fueled with passion and purpose?  If you’re in a shitty job, that doesn’t mean to just quit it.  It means to start the process of exploring other things.  By _________ (date), you will commit one step toward fulfilling that need, knowing that it may take many but what’s important is that you’re being proactive about giving yourself this need. 

Sexual need.

This doesn’t mean how much sex are you having.  What are you doing in your life to feel sexy?  Yes, that is a need and if you don’t, you should work on your sexy.   By _________ (date), you will commit one step toward fulfilling that need, knowing that it may take many but what’s important is that you’re being proactive about giving yourself this need. 

Physical need.

Fitness.  Maybe you already have a routine and you’re good.  Or maybe you’ve always wanted to try something different.  Well, now’s the time.  By _________ (date), you will commit one step toward fulfilling that need, knowing that it may take many but what’s important is that you’re being proactive about giving yourself this need. 

Intellectual need.

What are you doing to feed your brain?  Are there books you’ve been wanting to read but you’ve put aside?  A course you’ve always wanted to take?  By _________ (date), you will commit one step toward fulfilling that need, knowing that it may take many but what’s important is that you’re being proactive about giving yourself this need. 

Spiritual need.

How are you getting your spiritual needs met?  This doesn’t mean you have to be religious.  How can you connect or reconnect to the spiritual part of yourself?  By _________ (date), you will commit one step toward fulfilling that need, knowing that it may take many but what’s important is that you’re being proactive about giving yourself this need. 

Many of these needs can overlap.  But this will give you a framework to start building a structure on.

4.  Assess the damage.

Eventually you want to review the damage the relationship did to you.  Not the person.  Assess damage is not about blame.  It’s about review so that you can learn and grow.  You want to first have some distance from the break up before you can go back and look at it with new clearer lenses.  When you’re ready to assess the damage, here are some questions to ask yourself.  Did the relationship chipped away at who you are?  If so, in what ways?  Did you lose your essence?  What messages did you absorb about yourself through this relationship?  Is this a pattern? 

5.  Take ownership

After you access the damage, the next step is to ask yourself what your piece was in the damage.  Remember, there’s your ex, you, and the relationship.  The relationship is it’s own piece.  The damage came from the relationship.  Not your ex.  He or she contributed.  But you did as well.  So the question is what was your contribution to the expiration of the relationship?   If you’re not willing to own anything, there’s still a lot of pain and anger there.  It will prevent you from moving on.  Instead, it will keep you stuck.  So in a way, taking ownership is accepting and forgiving. 

6.  Create non-negotiables.

Finally, you want to start creating non-negotiables, things you are not willing to negotiate in your relationship / life.  Remember, non-negotiables are not preferences.  Preferences are things that you prefer.  Non-nogotiables are rock solid stances that you keep so that your container is safe and growth is possible.  Most people negotiate more than they realize.  We don’t usually start off this way.  Love distorts our lenses.Make a list.  From everything you’ve learned about love, life, and yourself through this relationship, what are you now not willing to negotiate? 

Like working the 12 steps, these getting-through-a-break-up steps are not a one time process.  You may have to go through them many times.  Or you may get stuck on one step for months.  For example, you may not be able to cut the cord for a while.  That’s okay.  Keep at that step until you accomplish it and are able to move on to the next.  See these steps as an engine that will help you climb that hill. 

Remember, the only way out is through.

- Angry

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